Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
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Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
Lube but for my dry humor.
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
reviewed some movies recently
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
birds and squirrels envy us
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.