I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
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Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
me, after any kind of buffet.
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….