Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
You Might Also Like
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.