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Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
Last-minute gift idea!
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[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
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I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.
7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.
7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.
8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.
9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
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NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*