Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
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Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.