I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
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Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
I’m sorry…what?
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out