falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
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Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
Doctor: You’ve got cancer.
Me: *slides a twenty across the examining table*
Doctor: What’s this for?
Me: Say something else.
Doctor: You’ve got shingles, too.
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please