God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
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“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
Lmao
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
If you breakdance you buy dance.
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
Perfection.
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life