I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
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If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
Oh yeah that’s it
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.