Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
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[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?