I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
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[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.