Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
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70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?