Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
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Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
Happy Febuary everyone!
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.