This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
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One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
When someone says you are so lazy
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
couldn’t resist
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons