When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
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cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears