Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
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Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
Muppet Screams
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”