I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
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Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.