girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
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My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs