Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
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Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha