As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
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GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.