Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
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*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
My apartment is a mess, I should move
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.