[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
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[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these