[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
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Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
why no one uses midhusbands
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?