When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
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What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.