not me looking down to google βwhy is my dog staring at meβ only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet πππππ
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Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just donβt have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: Iβll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? Sheβs heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and Iβm not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
Remember kids, if youβre driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
Iβm a lady of science at least thatβs what my horoscope said