My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
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grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…
Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.