isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
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Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
What the hell is going on?
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement