I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
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6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
Discuss
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
The only equipped I am is ill.
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
Ion see the issue
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*