Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
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The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
Cause of death: Zumba
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.