Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
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they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
Ain’t no way
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
New menu item
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
Always 🥴
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”