Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
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I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.