Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
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Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.