[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
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SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
We are the people our parents warned us about.
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!