“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
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Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
Stonehinge
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace