Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
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I’ll be mad as hell!
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.