me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
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*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
yall want some gasoline milk
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*