(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
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Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”