[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
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Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
My neck my back my allergy attack