*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
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guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
Ron is short for Aaronald
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
One of the perks of using a wheelchair is that I can spin around when someone comes in the room and say “I’ve been expecting you.”
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never