the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
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A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons