it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
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Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS