I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
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ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
*weighs self after shaving
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
it’s finally my moment to shine
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
Bike for sale
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.