My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
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never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
S O O N
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?