When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
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COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.