*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
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ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
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Me: Same
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
War & Peace
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.