I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
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Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
The struggle is real