I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
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dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
my favorite genre of twitter
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if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
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football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
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Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”