With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
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[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs: