The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
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I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
#Caturday
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.