The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
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“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
i’m still crying at this
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00