My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
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hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?