[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
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Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
R.I.P.
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air